I can't take credit for this. This was an email sent to me by my friend Pamela, and was originally a list of signs that you need to call it a night -- if you're a woman, out partying. Then I forwarded it to Jason, and he suggested we re-write it so it refers to Grandpa, which I though was pretty goddamn hilarious. But you can read the original email here and decide which way you like it better. -Author unknown.

Signs your Grandpa needs to call it a night 1. He has absolutely no idea where his shoes are. 2. He's just had to get someone to help him pull his pants up in the ladies room. 3. He suddenly decides he wants to kick someone's ass. 4. In his last trip to pee, he realized he now looks more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess he was just four hours ago. 5. He drops his 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, picks it up and carries on eating. 6. He starts crying. 7. There are less than three hours before he's due at church. 8. He's found a deeper side to the office nerd. 9. The man he's flirting with used to be his 5th grade teacher. 10. His urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming. 11. He's forgotten where he lives. 12. He's started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the 60 cigarettes he's smoked, because (as he's mentioned like 10 times by now) he only smokes when he drinks. 13. He yells at the bartender, who (he thinks) cheated him by giving him just tonic, but that's just because he can no longer taste the gin or vodka. 14. He thinks he's in bed, but his pillow feels strangely like pizza. 15. He starts every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way, but..." 16. He fails to notice that the toilet lid is down when he sits on it. 17. His sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves. 18. He's tired so he just sits on the floor. 19. He shows your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to. 20. The man who is buying him drinks is actually his nasty ex-wife, and he's feeling frisky.

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