There is an identification badge on the left breast pocket of the t-shirt I'm wearing that says, "HELLO. My name is Hambone." It feels kind of funny and makes me scratch a lot. We were at a cocktail party last night. I was sitting in an easy chair by the front door while mother was socializing with the ladies. People would come in, hang up their hats or coats and say to me, "Oh hello there, Hambone," real friendly like. I was always confused, so I just remained silent and nodded a polite 'Hello.' I didn't want those bastards to think they had one up on old Grandpa.

But as the evening wore on, I fell asleep. I awoke in this here easy chair, back at home. I think it's about 3 o'clock in the afternoon. There's an old photograph in my lap of me and some young kids. the title of the picture is: "Hambone & the kids in Hawai'i." I'm beginning to question whether I really am this Hambone fella after all. He's got a lot of hair. Maybe he's an alright kind of guy. He seems pretty well off. Incidentally, his wife is pretty cute. So that seems okay. I bet she could throw a dang tootin' cookout. Even if I'm not Hambone, who would know if I just decided to play along with this wacky family and their two ugly children?