The cat's run amok.

It started in the kitchen.

There I am going about my morning melee, arranging my medicine pills from Sunday all the way through to Saturday, when suddenly and without warning there's a jolt to my posterior. Well, I feel a searing pain and come to find that the cat has clutched itself onto my backside. I'm feelin' his claws pretty bad now. I can tell this cat means business, so I think of something to deter the little bastard.

"DOWN! CAT!" says I as we both sink slowly to the kitchen floor. I come down on the cat like a concrete love seat, and all the while feelin' an awkward rustling accompanied by a magnificent yowl. Then I fall asleep on the cold linoleum, with my face pressed against some spilled B12 vitamin pills. This is of course followed by the blood. When I finally wake up from my nap, I notice that my head is poking outside through the damned cat door. My butt is a little itchy, but other than that I'm okay.

"Did he finally DO it? Have I been raped by the cat?" I wonder. He's been pining for me for years and this is how it ends. He just "takes" me when I'm asleep. I feel cheap, like a piece of grade F weenie-meat.

Well you can bet I waste no time calling the police. I tell them about how they need to get their act together and stop pussy-footin' around with all these damn communist cats that take you down right in the middle of your morning vitamin arrangement, and maybe rape you. I sure give them what for!

After I get off the phone, I find the house all a shambles. The cat is nowhere to be seen, but there are holes and scratch marks on just about everything. And patches of my hair are scattered about. So I set to cleaning up the place. I start with the spilled pills. I pick some B12 out of my face and scoop up the rest from the floor. That's when I notice that an old free sample of boner pills is empty and torn to shreds.

About this same time, the cupboard door creaks open ever so slightly to reveal the cat. There he is on the uppermost shelf with the pasta and croutons, lookin' freaked out and breathing heavily like he's exhausted somethin' terrible.

"Well...he's all wacked out on boner medication," I marvel quietly to myself. I know what to do next, so I just close the cupboard door again and walk away.