Damn, Wheat Thins are some good crackers. Did you ever realize that? I mean original flavor, of course, none of that “multi-grain, reduced fat” rubbish. I’ll be sitting down to my crosswords, all excited about gettin some Wheat Thins and then grandma will bring me a bowl of low sodium snacks and I have to get stern with her. I point at her and say “No! ...No!” It don’t do a damn bit of good. That old gal’s losing it. There, I said it. What besides original flavor Wheat Thins has that thin, crispy crunch? Nothing.

I know a guy who says he doesn’t like Wheat Thins. He’s an ass. Somebody needs to shoot him dead. How can folks can be so dense? Right there on the attractive yellow packaging is the food pyramid, a guide to daily food choices. You got your nuts and meat group, you got your butter, yogurt, cheese, cream, ice-cream, sour cream, cream cheese, and milk (cows alone serve as an entire food group), and then you got the Wheat Thins group. That’s all I need. I’m a simple man with simple tastes.

Plus, you get more net cracker for your consumer dollar. Try picking up some Snackwells on your way home, you’ll see what I mean. The contents in them boxes settle so much during shipping that the thing is damn near half empty by the time it gets to the grocer’s. I call that bullshit.

So next time you’re out browsing through baked snack crackers, I demand that you select Wheat Thins. I swear to god, you’ll be thanking me with your mouth full of that nutty wheat taste. --Well just shut the hell up and enjoy, I’m not going anywhere.