I can remember...back when I was a boy, Pappy used to make me trudge to school with a 50 pound bag of alfalfa tied to my scrotum. Those were the days. He would ride along side me the whole way on his captive emu, kicking my chest and laughing at me. We lived in Antarctica then, and that was before we even HAD a school. All we had was an ice tower and some porpoises. The ice man there would teach us all we needed to know about celebrating Halloween a month late in Uzbekistan, planting walnut trees in northern California and how to carve whale cheese into the most freakin' cute little vagrant wood-pile donkeys! Hoo-boy!

If you acted up, the ice man would take you behind the ice tower and flog you with a hot whale penis. I was a lucky one, though. When ice man caught me eating from another student's baby seal pie, I only got put in Dead Animal Hole for half the day; no whale penis for me!

Yeah, I remember a lot of things like when I was 13 and Aquaman came to stay with us for a year on sabbatical from Canada. He called me a bitch and threw sand in my eyes. My wife says that I watch too much tv. She says that when I remember Antarctica, it's actually just an old Honeymooners rerun.