Sometimes I like to get up at 2:00 A.M. and just clear my throat for about forty-five minutes. My wife seems threatened by this. I asked her to share her feelings, but she got mad. Then she bought ear plugs to help her sleep, and I swear she even wears them in the daytime now. I’ll be talking, and she’ll just keep toolin around like I don’t exist over here in my Oversized Chaise Recliner (see figure A) that I got at a very reasonable price down at Wickes Furniture.

So she’ll be acting like I’m not there and then I’ll yell out, “Why don’t you take out your ear plugs, Grandma?!” That doesn’t help.

But then I think she’s just pretending she left them in, because she’ll take out them ear plugs in the middle of the night and say, “I can still hear you!” And she’ll tell me to go clear my throat in the kitchen. It’s cold in the kitchen. And I hate going in there, because the goddamn dog and cat always wake up and follow me like I’m gonna give them cinnamon rolls, or pot-roast or something. Fat chance! What are you animals thinking? Are you stupid? Go to hell!

We’ve got stupid animals. And the damn dog is smaller than the damn cat. They stay up the whole time and watch me clearing my throat. I think I’m gonna start doing it in the garage.